When someone makes a statement to me that I do not think is true and we end up in a big disagreement with no resolution, I often go away feeling horrible. Sometimes a lot of that is because I start questioning myself and whether my belief is actually true. So my icky feeling is one of self-doubt, which is never any good. Not long ago, a recruiter, panicking because I was turning down a chance at a company he had pitched me to, started telling me that I had been at a string of failed companies and that it was time for me to find a success. I had been told to trust this recruiter by people I knew, so I was completely blindsided by his change in tactics. His tone of voice put me on the defensive as he made me feel that everyone would start looking at me like a pariah.

Instead of just telling him thanks and goodbye, I went into a long tirade about how I could not understand why he felt I had been only at failures when the first startup I was at created a successful product and eventually went public and the second produced an award winning product and was purchased. And then I started spouting about how my version of success did not have to involve a company IPO-ing for millions of dollars and that what I really care about is that I was respected in my position, had fun working with excellent people, and successfully shipped quality product. Since I’ve accomplished that in most of my jobs, I have every right to feel proud of my career and I told him that. He defended his position and I told him that if he felt I was a failure, I did not want him representing me anymore. I will not be working with him in the future.

I do not know if I should feel proud of giving this guy a piece of my mind, even if I feel that he deserved it. But the self-doubt that clouded my head when I hung up reached critical proportions and it took me a long time to shake it. Some days I thought he might be right and that other people would look at my resume and wonder why I was in such a rut. Then one night I had a dream in which I was giving a speech in a crowded auditorium, perhaps at a graduation ceremony. I ended it with this statement: “What we are asking for is not the opportunity to be successful, but for the chance to define for ourselves what success means to each one of us.” After that, I felt more resolved.